When 'Keeping It Daioh' Goes Wrong
by Weener1
Summary: A parody of the 'When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong' skits on Chappele's Show
1. Tomo and Yomi Keep It Daioh

**Azumanga Daioh + Chappele's Show equals 1 sleepless night for me**

**Ok, this whole set of short little clip-tales is based on the "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" skits on Chappele's Show, I suggest watching at least one before reading this so you know how the skit is formatted and such. Just type Hwen keeping it real goes wrong into Youtube or somthing. Anyhow, I thought of this idea right before I went to bed, so I hope it's decent. (I thought it was funny as hell)**

**Kaorin: (tries to sneak away)**

**Jay: HEY! You're not out of this yet! Back to work.**

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Tomo Takino was an officer in the Tokyo police department. She had aspirations to one day join the ICPO and really live up to her dreams. Although, what she didn't count on was how much would change when one day she decided to Keep It Daioh.

"Stop right there!", Tomo shouted as she chased the suspect through the crowded open air market.

She could have called for backup but if she caught the thief all by herself she might be worthy of a promotion. She would show the chief she wasn't lazy!

She kept a keen eye on the fleeing man in the short red coat as she kept in persuit. He was trying to lose himself amongst the vast number of people and stands full of every sort of item. Clothing, furnishings, hand-made trinkets, even...

Somthing caught Tomo's eye. She could have simply ignored it and kept in persuit of the fleeing criminal. But she decided then and there to

Keep It Daioh.

Throwing her hands up with a shout she rushed toward the food stand across from where she stood.

"WATERMELON! WATERMELON! HI-YAH!", she screamed, chopping the watermelon into small pieces with her bare hands, reveling in the feeling she hadn't felt in years.

After a few minutes she stopped, feeling the gazes of the assembled customers at her back and the burning eyes of the stand owner boring into her own.

"Um...sorry about that...", she quickly apologized, throwing a few yen at the man and scampering off.

She took off once more after the criminal, yet no matter where she looked every alley, every street along the way the man was nowhere to be seen. After an hour of searching she gave up and returned to the police station.

In the doorway stood the chief of police, Shinji Masamura, and he looked down his nose at Tomo. His eyes bearing no love for the girl.

"Heya, chief!", Tomo greeted him.

"Takino!", he raged. "What the hell have you done!?"

"What are you talking about?", Tomo asked.

"The watermelon incident. We've gotten countless complaints today from people who said a police officer lost persuit of a criminal because she was distracted by a WATERMELON which she then CHOPPED TO PIECES!", he screamed directly in Tomo's face.

"Hey, how can you say I did that?", Tomo countered.

"You seem to forget your NAME IS ON YOUR BADGE!", the chief yelled, jabbing at his badge with his index finger.

"Oh...sorry 'bout that.", Tomo apologized, rubbing the back of her head nervously.

"No, no more sorries Takino. I've taken your shit for a long time now. over that badge.", the chief said, holding out his hand.

Tomo felt like crying at first but then simply contorted her face and slammed her badge into his hand.

"Fine, I don't need this! I Keep It Daioh, son!", she yelled, stalking off down the road leaving the man behind, totally bewildered.

After losing her job, her bills began to pile up thus losing her her house and most posessions. Tomo now works for the Japanese government, picking up trash from the sidewalk with a grabber-pole.

It doesn't get more Daioh than that.

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Koyomi Mizuhara was known in her high school days as a moody, somewhat smarmy girl that for some reason had a great friendship with Tomo Takino, her polar opposite. In college she learned to channel this anger and mood swings into the business world. Her never-back-down attitude had gotten her quite the executive position in a lucrative electronics corporation.

That day she had just turned in an important report on a recent contract. Everything was going well until her boss made some unsavoury comments about her work.

"Koyomi, what's this part here?", Megumi, Yomi's supervisor, asked pointing to a row of numbers near the bottom of the last page.

"Well, that's the estimated amount that the product will cost to produce in the numbers required.", Yomi answered.

Megumi chuckled a bit.

"Only an idiot would make it cost this much. Koyomi, you're better than this.", Megumi shook her head in shame.

Yomi could have ignored the comment. Thrown it to the back of her head and forgotten all about it. But, that day something she hadn't felt in years arose inside her.

She decided to Keep It Daioh.

Yomi rose from her chair, her glasses flashing.

"The only idiot here...", she began approaching Megumi with a closed fist.

"IS YOU!"

With a wicked uppercut she slammed her supervisor to the ground.

"I Keep It Daioh!", she said, clomping away in a huff.

Three months later she was in prison, serving off a sentence of assault with intent to injure. Her business suit replaced with prison garb and her fine food taking a sideline to cold rice and dirty water.

"Excuse me...", she said after bumping into another prisoner during lunch.

"EXCUSE YOURSELF!", the large woman yelled back, applying a massive, bone-shattering blow to Yomi's face.

It doesn't get more Daioh than that.

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**More to come! So stay tuned!**


	2. Sakaki and Kagura Keep It Daioh

**Two more 'episodes' for you to chew on..**

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Sakaki had actually achieved her dream of going to veterenary school. Upon graduating near the top of the class she was hired by the Tokyo Zoo to take care of the animal's health needs. She always enjoyed taking care of the cats, no matter how large. Tigers, lions, pumas, anything really! That day a tiger was brought into her office for a yearly check-up.

"Why, hello there Menchi.", Sakaki cooed at the large cat. Menchi's handler had a leash about the neck of the beast so it would not harm anyone. Regardless, it was a fairly placid animal normally.

"Let me just check your eyes now.", Sakaki said as she shined the light from her ocular instrument into the tiger's golden-sheened eyes.

Startled by the light, Menchi began to twist and turn in the handler's grip.

"It's ok Menchi. You don't need to be afraid.", Sakaki tried to calm the animal through words.

The handler continued to struggle with the tiger and Sakaki could see no real way that the animal would become calm anytime soon. Yet, that's when she decided to

**_Keep It Daioh._**

Her mind suddenly came upon a plan which she had not thought of in many years. Thrusting her hand foward, Menchi latched his massive jaws around it. Even through the crunching of bones and the dribbling of blood, Sakaki at least was able to check the animal's eyes! And that made all the difference in the world to her.

One hundred fifteen stitches and two lost fingers later Sakaki was back at work, her hand still bandaged.

"Well, I Kept It Daioh...", she mumbled staring at her personally dubbed 'cat hand' and wondered how much longer it would last.

It doesn't get much more Daioh than that.

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Kagura spent her college days studying to one day become a high school P.E. teacher just like her unsung role model Minamo Kurosawa. She had even chosen the same college Minamo had gone to. No matter how long she stayed at the school, no matter how many classes she had to take, it was all worth it to her. Motivation was not a factor any longer for Kagura. The day after her summer break ended, she stepped into class as happy as ever, although her fellow students weren't quite so glad to be back.

Grumbles of displeasure could be heard throughout the lecture hall as the students slumped into their seats. Kagura seemed to be the only one sitting fully upright. Even the teacher stumbled in, eyes half closed and slapped down his assignment book unhappily on the desk up front.

"So, how does everyone feel about being back?", the professor asked.

"Sucks"

"I was having a good time until today..."

"I feel like crap warmed up..."

The professor plopped uncerimoniously down in his own chair and said, "I don't feel too motivated this morning either."

Hearing those words something inside Kagura clicked. She could have simply sat in her seat and let the others whine as she awaited her learning experience. Yet, instead she decided to

_**Keep It Daioh.**_

Standing up she screamed and bolted down each and every row, slamming herself into the students and knocking them out of their chairs.

"MOTIVATION SMASH!"

Upon arriving at the front she ignored the curses and calls coming from behind her and barreled into her professor, knocking him to the ground in a tumble.

"MOTIVATION SMASH!"

After a lengthy discourse by each student and the professor to the dean of the college it was concluded that Kagura should be expelled. Now, without a place to stay and very little money to go on she can't even call her parents out of pure embarassment. Making her meager cash by picking up bottles and cans off the street she hopes that one day she'll be able to return to her dream.

"Hey, at least I Kept It Daioh...", she said, wandering the backroads in her tattered clothes.

It doesn't get more Daioh than that.


	3. Kaorin Keeps it Daioh

**Here we go again!**

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Kaorin had always been a fairly quiet, reserved girl. What most people knew though was that she was absolutely and totally obsessed by Sakaki, the one girl she had fallen in love with. Love at first sight, if you will. What most people didn't know though was that the obsession didn't stop after high school. She was floored when she had to leave her precious Sakaki for college elsewhere. She silently suffered through her college years in order to take part in her second love, astronomy. She had taken up work in a small Japanese observatory in the hills outside Osaka. She lived a simple existance of mornings, noons and nights alone and in constant near-depression. One escpecially lonely day she realized that she had run out of rice and had to make a trip to the store. Yet, little did she know that this trip would change the moment she decided to Keep It Daioh.

With a gracious air of normalcy she passed through the doors of the supermarket and entered the air conditioned cool. She immediately headed towards the "Grains and Beans" section. She hated being in crowded supermarkets, that made her quite claustrophobic. She quietly perused the rice choices until she noticed two women near the end of the aisle. To her abject terror, surprise, adulation, bone-marrow melting happiness, etc. she noticed that one looked exactly like Sakaki.

'Oh...my...god...It's Sakaki!!!!', she thought as various neurotransmiters bathed her brain in their confusing glory.

They women were loced in conversation. Everything about the one woman had 'Sakaki' written all over it. Her movements, her eyes, her hair, her well-formed...feet. Every bit of Sakaki threw Kaorin deep into her 'High School Crush' mode once more.

Deeply she wanted to run up to Sakaki. To confess everything. Confess the fact that she even still carried a picture of her in a skimpy swimsuit. Then it happened. The woman talking to Sakaki

**_GAVE SAKAKI A HUG_**

Kaorin's mind broke.

She decided to

Keep It Daioh.

Her brain roiled with a massive rage as she catapaulted herself straight at the woman. Grabbing her by the lapels she stared at her with eyes only Satan could love.

"HOW DARE YOU HUG MY PRECIOUS SAKAKI! SHE'S MINE!! ALL MINE!!", Kaorin roared as she literally hissed in the woman's face before tossing her nearly five feet down the aisle.

Wiping her hands on her skirt she turned with a smile to Sakaki.

"Oh, Sakaki I have so much to tell you...", she began but was interrupted.

"What the hell are you doing!?", Sakaki screamed.

"Huh?", Kaorin stood confused.

"And my name isn't Sakaki.", she explained before knocked Kaorin completely unconcious with one blow to the nose.

After a hospital stint for a broken nose and a quick assault case, Kaori Aida ended up serving six months behind bars. She even had to share a cell with a beastly sixty year old woman who had drowned her grandkids.

"Well...at least I Kept It Daioh...", Kaorin mused as she stared out the barred window.

"Hey, sweety. I got a surprise for ya later tonight...", the old woman chirped.

Kaorin shivered inwardly and went back to hoping that Sakaki would come on that same pale steed she had dreamt years ago.


End file.
